What if every dollar you spend this year...meant something

What if
every dollar
that you take from your wallet
or transfer from your online account
was spent in line with what you value most
what if every dollar you spent was from your heart as well as your hand
what if you thought first
what if you realized you are wealthy
and then you spread that wealth in a way that those that are not would feel the comfort of it
what if you started today

you need shoes

buy Tom's.

Herr Hartmann photo off of Flickr Creative Commons Children in Debre Markos

I started out today in a funk. Q's asthma is worse (always is in the fall) and we were up for the 5th or 6th night in a row in order to nebulize him. Then it's a good hour before we all settle down. He was still coughing after the medicine so I went downstairs made him tea with honey. Still coughing a few minutes later I get out of bed again thinking sleeping with him might help. Y suggests putting Q in our bed with me and Y slept in his bed. We finally settled down at 4. I was awoken to Q asking me if it was time to get up. "What does the clock say?" I asked him as he was sitting up all chipper and ready to go. "There's a 6 and then a 5 and then a 7." Damn, I thought my eyes aren't even open and I'm late.

So a rush into the shower w/ Q saying he wanted breakfast before my shower - he's starving. Sorry buddy Mom is late. Shower rush down stairs and he's running around the house saying alien's are coming. When Q wakes up he wakes up. He has very little down time from 6 AM to 7:00 PM each and every day. He's also vocal and a bit loud. Y and I were spent. I have a cold and I think he has one two - although he wouldn't admit it if I asked. And Q is running in between our feet in our little kitchen. At one point we both said at the same time "Q Please!" which made him promptly disappear. I had finished ironing my shirt was putting that on as my coffee was almost brewed and ready to go into the thermos, looking at the clock and thinking 20 min late - that's not too bad considering but then when I went into the living room to gather my things there was Q sitting scrunched up in a corner of the couch looking very hurt.

So I sit down and ask if I had hurt his feelings. He burst into tears and hugged me. "I thought you didn't want me around!" Ugh, yuck, blch! This working mom thing sometimes just so totally sucks! I make him sit on my lap and look into my eyes and I apologize really big. I'm sorry. I used the wrong words. I was trying to think about what I needed to do and I should have stopped and said that to you. I would never want to hurt your feelings. I make mistakes too but the very worst ones are any that hurt you even for one little second. I love you.

Then lots of hugs. "Are you staying for breakfast?" No sweetness I'm late, but so are you, we all slept in but that's OK because you needed me more in the middle of the night than you do now while you eat and get ready. It's almost time for you to leave too.

So we left OK but I like our mornings to be special and this was not. Then the long drive to work and then work being so iffy. Working in the financial business right now - not fun.

So it's a little pitty party for me and my sore throat and then I read the following article. And now I'm not pittying myself but I'm angry at myself for not counting all the extraordinary blessings that I have.

http://www.africantribune.com/content/view/3202/2/

I've posted the photo above because of all the things I hear those that come back from Ethiopia talk about it is the numbers of children without adults that seems to leave the biggest impression.

Where are you in this picture?

Photo from Rita Willaert's Flickr site.

I study these photos each day to try to understand what our child will have lost. I look and I look and I look and still, what will I be able to tell this little boy or girl who comes to us? You come from beauty. You come from love. You come from a neighborhood. You come from a home. Your parents, your grandparents, your aunts and uncles and neighbors, they all loved you. They all miss you. They all remember you. I look at this picture and I see neighbors I might know with their children standing as we do in line at the co op or coffee house. I see the children laughing and goofing around, happy and looking up at the adults to see who is watching them. I almost always find myself. Here in this photo I am wearing a black scarf on my head that has a white diamond pattern. I have my hand on my son's shoulder and he is leaning in to me and looking up and smiling and if you look you can just barely see that I am smiling too down at him in happiness and wonder. And there I might be if fate had not put me here. I might be standing in line in Ethiopia. I wish everyone well in this photo. They are so beautiful. I am in awe.

Mothers and Grandmothers

photo by Oriol Gascon from Flickr

And so our mothers and grandmothers have, more often than not anonymously, handed on the creative spark, the seed of the flower
they themselves never hoped to see - or like a sealed letter they could
not plainly read.

Alice Walker

Friends, Brothers, Cousins, Memories

Photo by Rita Willaert from her Flickr portfolio, Ethiopia

Older Children

The more I am reading about Ethiopia and in particular the children that are referred to Horizon House, Wide Horizons transition center, the more I am pulled towards older child adoption. This is not an easy place to be. Infants are so much easier. An infant will not remember their birth parents being too ill to care for them or too poor to be able to feed them. There is less likelihood that they have been mentally, physically or sexually abused.

I spoke with AH at WHFC today. She told me that almost all the waiting children at Horizon House are adopted. The reason for this is that most of the children wait at their relative's or birth parents home. They only go to live at Horizon House once a family has been found for them. I have such mixed emotions about this. I understand the many reasons for this but my heart aches for them. As I understand it, and I could be wrong, the family somehow is in contact with social workers who are in the field. The social workers then start working to find a family for the child. Once they do they are taken to Horizon House. I have such sympathy for the family, for the child. Do the relatives, siblings talk about what is taking place? Are the children aware? How does it feel to leave an older sibling and go to a new country? It is all heartbreaking. I am beginning to look into whether we have the skills or can gain them to help mend the broken heart of a 4 or 5 year old who has lost everything. I'm hoping I can answer yes to that question. I've asked WHFC for the names of therapists in our area who work with children who have been adopted.